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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: May 5th, 2011, 9:32 am 
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Today's been an important day of introspection. After laying in bed for an hour, it's 4am and I can't get to sleep, despite waking up at 10am before this, which is rare and early for me. For the past 5 or something years I've had trouble both falling asleep and waking up in the morning, which compliments themselves perfectly in making my life a living hell. I can never fall asleep unless I'm dead tired and trying to sleep early is impossible, I've ended up laying in bed for 5 hours in the past. I have trouble waking up unless I get at least 10 hours of sleep, and even then it's hard to get up, because every morning it feels like I've rammed my face into a brick wall and haven't had something to drink for years. My eyes are always bloodshot and hurt to open, and my throat is so dry that it hurts to have a glass of water in the morning. My sleep schedule gets completely fucked all the time, and the only way I know to fix it is to stay up all night so I can sleep early. However, I rarely am able to stay up long enough, so the only solution is to try staying up all night again, and again, and again, until my sleep schedule is so bad that I only have to stay awake for 20 hours to sleep at a reasonable time.

If it weren't for my parents previously painstakingly waking me up every day, I would've failed in high school. Instead, I was simply an underachiever since I still managed to miss one day every week and every day I went I was usually tired. They stopped waking me up after I graduated and it's been a disaster, as I noted above with my sleep schedule. At this point I've been missing half of my classes and I'm going to fail it no doubt.

A more recent issue is that I've been sinking into apathy over the past month or so. You can tell just from how unenthusiastic my recent posts have been, since my rants about bad anime have been reduced to one chore of a sentence that no one cares about. I've stopped playing Starcraft 2 after investing perhaps 170 hours of my life to it, because beating people has lost it's satisfaction. Overall I've felt like I can't enjoy anything as much as I used to. There are other thing's I've been neglecting as well. I just don't care about anything.

My idiotic stubbornness towards not showing weakness is going to stop, because I can't fix this shit. I'm going to see my doctor soon.

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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: May 5th, 2011, 4:22 pm 
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Mmsven wrote:
Today's been an important day of introspection. After laying in bed for an hour, it's 4am and I can't get to sleep, despite waking up at 10am before this, which is rare and early for me. For the past 5 or something years I've had trouble both falling asleep and waking up in the morning, which compliments themselves perfectly in making my life a living hell. I can never fall asleep unless I'm dead tired and trying to sleep early is impossible, I've ended up laying in bed for 5 hours in the past. I have trouble waking up unless I get at least 10 hours of sleep, and even then it's hard to get up, because every morning it feels like I've rammed my face into a brick wall and haven't had something to drink for years. My eyes are always bloodshot and hurt to open, and my throat is so dry that it hurts to have a glass of water in the morning. My sleep schedule gets completely fucked all the time, and the only way I know to fix it is to stay up all night so I can sleep early. However, I rarely am able to stay up long enough, so the only solution is to try staying up all night again, and again, and again, until my sleep schedule is so bad that I only have to stay awake for 20 hours to sleep at a reasonable time.

If it weren't for my parents previously painstakingly waking me up every day, I would've failed in high school. Instead, I was simply an underachiever since I still managed to miss one day every week and every day I went I was usually tired. They stopped waking me up after I graduated and it's been a disaster, as I noted above with my sleep schedule. At this point I've been missing half of my classes and I'm going to fail it no doubt.

A more recent issue is that I've been sinking into apathy over the past month or so. You can tell just from how unenthusiastic my recent posts have been, since my rants about bad anime have been reduced to one chore of a sentence that no one cares about. I've stopped playing Starcraft 2 after investing perhaps 170 hours of my life to it, because beating people has lost it's satisfaction. Overall I've felt like I can't enjoy anything as much as I used to. There are other thing's I've been neglecting as well. I just don't care about anything.

My idiotic stubbornness towards not showing weakness is going to stop, because I can't fix this shit. I'm going to see my doctor soon.

That sounds really tough, Mmsven, and it seems like it might be depression that is affecting you. You'll do well seeing your doctor sooner than later.

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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: May 5th, 2011, 5:08 pm 
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Hope he feels better soon, nothing a little therapy can't fix. I've never tried it personally but maybe some form of meditation could soothe the rancid nerves. Perhaps some hypno therapy as well, of which i've never tried either. All i've ever done with my therapist is talk about my problems which does help me in finding relief for that moment.


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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: May 5th, 2011, 5:15 pm 
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Mmsven wrote:
I have trouble waking up unless I get at least 10 hours of sleep, and even then it's hard to get up, because every morning it feels like I've rammed my face into a brick wall

That describes my condition during the last three months before and during my final exams. Once the stress went down it became better, and the best idea I've had in this respect was to leave the curtain of my bedroom open. The sunlight wakes me up and when I wake up I actually feel awake within minutes.
It's also not unusual at your age that something like what you describe happens, like an extreme need for sleep.

Mmsven wrote:
At this point I've been missing half of my classes and I'm going to fail it no doubt.

That's a serious problem. It could be that you simply do not accept authority easily and that you don't care about what the teacher thinks about you. Another possibility is that you lack self-motivation. That's a problem that I have. If there's a superior or some other person relying on me I'm working really well. But when I work for my own benefit (like graduating) I can hardly get it done, because I don't care much about myself. I'm interested in a roof above my head and a meal every day and that's it, anything else is appreciated but I don't expect more.

Mmsven wrote:
Overall I've felt like I can't enjoy anything as much as I used to. There are other thing's I've been neglecting as well. I just don't care about anything.

I know that feeling, and it's as shitty as it is a serious problem. You might need somebody to kick your butt to get you going. Do you live with your parents? Talk to them about it.

Mmsven wrote:
My idiotic stubbornness towards not showing weakness is going to stop, because I can't fix this shit.

It's good that you realize this. Believe me, your life is going to improve once you accept that you have weaknesses. Being in balance with yourself will make you stronger than constantly trying to be tougher than you actually are, because the discrepancy between reality and self-image (or rather wishful thinking) leaves you constantly frustrated and feeling inadequate. That is a sort of hell I went through, hm, I'd say between 1992 and 1997. There are more important things to seek after than being "manly".

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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: May 5th, 2011, 5:21 pm 
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I was set to have a haircut tomorrow but my dad got sick again, this time with a severe cold. I don't wanna come off as selfish and self-centered but i sometimes think, especially with all the sickness that has happened among many of my family members these past weeks, that getting sick is the latest craze and that maybe they get sick deliberately just to delay me further in my pursuits. Then again, i have to acknowledge that in the long run things just don't go as one would like them to happen. And accept that i do tend to put my own priorities above anyone else's.


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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: May 5th, 2011, 6:59 pm 
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wolfwood wrote:
That sounds really tough, Mmsven, and it seems like it might be depression that is affecting you. You'll do well seeing your doctor sooner than later.

The reason I can't get to sleep is not because I'm crying the whole time, trust me, and it's never been like that. Apathy is the absence of emotion so I don't see how you think I'm depressed. I didn't feel any strong emotion as I was writing my post, it was nothing but introspection.

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That's a serious problem. It could be that you simply do not accept authority easily and that you don't care about what the teacher thinks about you. Another possibility is that you lack self-motivation. That's a problem that I have. If there's a superior or some other person relying on me I'm working really well. But when I work for my own benefit (like graduating) I can hardly get it done, because I don't care much about myself. I'm interested in a roof above my head and a meal every day and that's it, anything else is appreciated but I don't expect more.

I don't care about what my teacher thinks and I do lack motivation. These things don't help in getting me up in the morning, for sure, even though I used to regret missing a class. When I'm half conscious I can't make the right decision.

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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: May 5th, 2011, 8:12 pm 
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If apathy is what you feel, no wonder your life is out of balance. Lack of emotion means there is no feeling of love towards anything in your life. I don't think you have hate inside of you either because it is also an emotion, i'm taking a guess here and feel free to correct me if i'm wrong but perhaps all the anime viewing has been an unsuccessful attempt at a coping mechanism. I don't have a psychology degree so once again, i may be wrong.


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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: May 6th, 2011, 12:36 am 
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Mmsven wrote:
wolfwood wrote:
That sounds really tough, Mmsven, and it seems like it might be depression that is affecting you. You'll do well seeing your doctor sooner than later.

The reason I can't get to sleep is not because I'm crying the whole time, trust me, and it's never been like that. Apathy is the absence of emotion so I don't see how you think I'm depressed. I didn't feel any strong emotion as I was writing my post, it was nothing but introspection.
There is a great variety of disorders related to depression, even though many times there is a depressed mood going on, sometimes the main symptom might just be lost of interest or pleasure (which could be the apathy you are referring to). Your sleeping pattern could be another sign as well. Depression is more common than you think and not as obvious as one could think.
If you re interested you can find the criteria for some depression disorders from the DSMIV on this page.
I couldn't find a proper page with the book but that could give you an idea.

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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: May 6th, 2011, 5:52 am 
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Mmsven wrote:
The reason I can't get to sleep is not because I'm crying the whole time (...) Apathy is the absence of emotion so I don't see how you think I'm depressed.

I find it odd that anyone would cry despite an absence of emotions.
Does anyone cry for rational reasons? Absence of emotions excludes crying - I thought.
Am I wrong? :?:

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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: May 6th, 2011, 6:32 am 
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42317 wrote:
I find it odd that anyone would cry despite an absence of emotions.
Does anyone cry for rational reasons? Absence of emotions excludes crying - I thought.
Am I wrong? :?:

Which is why I said that I don't cry.

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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: May 12th, 2011, 12:09 pm 
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Mmsven wrote:
42317 wrote:
I find it odd that anyone would cry despite an absence of emotions.
Which is why I said that I don't cry.

Okay, on second thought... I was under the impression you were implying the possibility of emotionless tear-shedding.

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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: June 28th, 2011, 7:48 pm 
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I had a psychiatric evaluation today and based on the results, i'm officially diagnosed as bipolar. Not that suprised considering my occassional blow ups here and in real life. I'll be going through weekly check ups, neuroscans and more medication if needed.


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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: June 29th, 2011, 1:12 am 
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G-Core wrote:
I had a psychiatric evaluation today and based on the results, i'm officially diagnosed as bipolar. Not that suprised considering my occassional blow ups here and in real life. I'll be going through weekly check ups, neuroscans and more medication if needed.

Thankfully you have a diagnosis, and they can give you treatment for it.

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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: July 2nd, 2011, 10:23 am 
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G-Core wrote:
I had a psychiatric evaluation today and based on the results, i'm officially diagnosed as bipolar. Not that suprised considering my occassional blow ups here and in real life. I'll be going through weekly check ups, neuroscans and more medication if needed.

Good luck.
But did they tell you anything you did not already know? :sweat:

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 Post subject: Re: Who are you? Get to know your fellow forum members . . .
PostPosted: July 2nd, 2011, 12:53 pm 
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42317 wrote:
G-Core wrote:
I had a psychiatric evaluation today and based on the results, i'm officially diagnosed as bipolar. Not that suprised considering my occassional blow ups here and in real life. I'll be going through weekly check ups, neuroscans and more medication if needed.

Good luck.
But did they tell you anything you did not already know? :sweat:

Oh sure. Based on the preliminary evaluation, this is what the doc got out of me:

- Overdependence on parents
- Suicidal thoughts
- Superiority complex
- Anger issues
- Lack of self-esteem
- Desire of independence despite having no job to provide for myself
- Loneliness

That's more or less the gist of it.


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