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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: February 11th, 2011, 3:35 pm 
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Storm_Shinobi wrote:
New RPG idea, set not strictly in the 1920s but more like an alternate fantasy-ish world that is modelled after 1920s…

*looks at text*
Oh fuck...

It's not the contents, it's the sheer number of lines you present!
I admire your efforts and your creativity, doubtlessly, but commenting on this behemoth will take a couple of days. I am not reading all of this in one sitting, no way. Or I could do that, but if I wanted to comment on everything that comes to my mind that'd probably be the only thing I'd be doing in the four remaining hours until I go to bed!

And once I'm done... could you maybe, you know, distribute your overflowing productivity a bit, like, across several smaller, "bitesize", texts in the course of several days? That would be much appreciated.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
The only order are a bunch of warring gangs.

No states? Just mobsters? How about corporations?

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Underneath though is the Church.

The church? Which one would that be?
Since the scriptures are full of controversial and paradoxical crap the mix can be pretty wide. If you enter "the Church", i.e. a single organization, I think you must define their interpretation of "the book" in a few details.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
The shock of getting shot essentially caused your host to ‘die’ although the body didn’t really get hit anywhere critical and was fit for living in

Went down unconscious and left for dead, huh.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
you can immolate people (holy fuck those guys are shooting me I need to do something! Then magic happens)

Immolate people? Like tying them to a stone plate and slitting their throats?

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Clothing System

An interesting thing for sure.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
OH MY GOD YOU ARE NCR I AM CAESAR I SHOOT YOU.

I suppose "NCR" and "Ceasar" are Fallout terms?

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
The gangs will probably have uniforms if you wanna get associated with them or infiltrate them.

How many different packages of clothing combinations is the character supposed to carry with him/her?

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Weapons will be WW2 sorta guns.

Like, those:
US WW2 infantry weapons

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
To conceal bigger weapons, you will need like a suitcase or something.

Something like a long coat I guess?

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
NEXT GAME IDEA.

Tomorrow, friend, tomorrow... I'm watching Madoka now.

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: February 14th, 2011, 6:26 pm 
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Alright, let's go on.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Free Flight Hack n Slash with a side of Shooting.

How does that look like?

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Because well, you play as an angel, and she cuts shit up.

Ah, flying, cutting, and shooting, instead of running and jumping. :sweat:

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Basically this is Celestia. She is an angel. With blades for hands. And sword launching crossbows.

I like the chibi design. It's cute.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
the King of Hell got the date wrong for Judgement Day and unleashed his army on Earth.

Is there any better day to begin with? :P2:

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
The gatekeeper of Heaven, an angel by the name of Celestia gets pissed off

I thought the Gatekeeper of Heaven was Saint Peter?
I've also heard of an angel called Haraniel or something.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Either way, why is not important. This is a game idea

A game idea that exists since sidescrollers were invented...

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Maps would be like a spacious version of Castlevania.

I found Castlevania spacious enough... :sweat:

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Trident Lords are Fel Forks that have existed long enough.

They do look a bit like ducks, though... maybe it's just my view of the picture...

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Warlocks, the corrupted souls of spellcasters

Aha, so there are spellcasters on the earth you had invaded.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Infernal Chariots, a class of daemons that are tasked with transporting corrupted souls

Reminds me of something I've seen in Gargoyle's quest. Impenetrable from the front. Tough opponents when you're just a beginner.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Nether Phalanxes are shields possessed by daemons.

I see where you're coming from. But the original formation did not necessitate a shield by definition. If I'm not mistaken, the Macedonian Phalanx had no shields because the long spear they used had to be carried with two hands. The Spartan spear was shorter and lighter, so the fighters could also use a shield.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Pyrophorvae.

Look like biotech at its finest. :D

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: March 3rd, 2011, 1:43 pm 
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I was going to go with Nether Aegis since the Aegis was a shield in some instances, except it was like Athena's shield. Didn't feel quite right here. Nether Buckler was another option but it doesn't sound nice. I associated the Phalanx with the Spartan version and kinda just rolled with it here, the idea being these guys will form a line and prevent frontal assaults.

---
Wee more Masquerade.
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Redesign. Substituted the long gloves for a… what do you even call it. Redesigned skirt and boots and different hairstyle with a new ponytail ribbon. Reduced the number of frills in the breast area and changed the design a little there. And finalized the scissor design.

Masquerade is like… that idea I seriously don’t know what the fuck to do with but yet bothers away at me and nags away, gnawing at my sanity in the corner of my mind. So I kinda ran through the passage I wrote back then and rewrote/added to it. Didn't feel quite up to continuing it.

I seriously need to stop being so ADD about my creative exploits.

---

A world filled with lies. A world where reality holds no meaning. A world where nothing can be defined.

The Eternal Masquerade.

Countless ever changing realities, mutually exclusive from one another. All but a mask upon reality.



1-2-3

Locked in embrace.

1-2-3

To whisk and turn.

1-2-

A waltz cut short.

1-

The lies are torn asunder.

3-2-1

The Masquerade ends.

0

Now awaken.


As the mask split clean in half from her face, she froze. There was no longer music in her ears. Only a strangely nostalgic noise resounded within the depths of her mind. That was right.

Thought.

Just how long was I dancing for?

Just why am I dancing?

Why have I stopped?

Why is everybody still dancing?


As if nothing was amiss, the various couples continued their chassé around the ballroom. Even without music. Even though the chandelier gave no light. Even though the carpet was long worn out.

The masked gentleman before her simply stood still. The pair stood still as time itself, locked in embrace.

The strings have been severed. There was no longer any purpose or meaning. Only emptiness.

She grasped desperately at any thought she could.

Then she could feel something ringing. Resonating. There were manacles fastened around her wrists, but the chains hung free. Yet they tugged away at her.

I have to leave.

Thus she acted upon it. It was the only direction she had. An puppet could only move according to the strings attached. She tore herself from her masked partner and wove through the dancing couples. As she reached the hallway, she broke into a run.

Out into the dark hallways. Through rotting oak doors. Down a spiral staircase. As if her chains were connected to something leading the way, she traversed various corridors and halls. And finally out of the ruined castle walls. As if her chains were connected to something leading away.

A vast expanse of space sprinkled with countless lights spread out before her eyes.



Her chains fell silent. She was once again empty and simply stood there. Silent. Motionless.

Tip, tap, tip, tap

The masked man stood before her. He held out his hand.

I should take his hand.

Her chains once again tugged at her.

And return to endless bliss?

It was then a shining light screamed as it streaked across the sky. Her chains rung again, as if drawn towards it.

Or will you uncover the truth?

Gears were set in motion. She could no longer simply follow the strings attached to her. One cannot move in two opposite directions at once.

Contradiction.

It was in that moment she had sprung to life. Not as mere marionette. She was still following a string, but this time it was by choice.

I have chosen.

She left it all behind. As she ran, she could feel the air enter her lungs and her heart race. Sounds of her footsteps echoed in her ears. Nostalgic, forgotten sensations all returning to her, filling up her empty self.

Her mind began to work once again. Words surfaced in her mind as she observed her passing scenery.

Recognition.

Trees. Dirt. Sky. Stars. Darkness. Light. As her chains led her through the dark forest, another nostalgic feeling welled up from within her.

Anxiety. Hope.

The unknown path that she now followed came with uncertainty but along with it, possibility. Anxious at not knowing what is going to happen next, hopeful that once again a choice would present itself.

Arrival.

Her hopes were answered all too soon. The chains lay dormant again. Before her a shining blade stood embedded in the dirt. Once again a choice presented itself to her. Take the blade? Go back? Keep moving until another choice presented itself?

Before you stands the means to sever lies from the truth.

She chose to continue on the path laid before her and grasped the blade.

Then let us end this charade.

===

Not too sure what I'm doing again. Compounded by the fact the heroine is an empty slate taken to the next level of empty... slateness. She's not really anyone yet, but like I'm trying to work with that fact and its kinda like blargh what. I guess I could just slap a character onto her like I did with my other amnesiac heroine but then we wouldn't have this bizarro experimental piece. Maybe me not knowing what I'm doing kinda works since the heroine doesn't really know anything either.

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: March 7th, 2011, 6:32 pm 
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Storm_Shinobi wrote:
I seriously need to stop being so ADD about my creative exploits.

Being what?

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
A world filled with lies. A world where reality holds no meaning.

Sounds just like home.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
1-2-3
Locked in embrace.
1-2-3
To whisk and turn.
1-2-
A waltz cut short.
1-
The lies are torn asunder.
3-2-1
The Masquerade ends.
0
Now awaken.

More mad genius. I kinda like it.
Aren't there literary magazines that you could turn to for publication of such inspirations?

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
the various couples continued their chassé around the ballroom.

Their what? I know it's a sort of dance technique or step variant, but my French is a bit rusty in that area.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Not too sure what I'm doing again.

That's not necessarily bad you know...

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Compounded by the fact the heroine is an empty slate taken to the next level of empty... slateness. She's not really anyone yet, but like I'm trying to work with that fact and its kinda like blargh what.

You're probably not gonna answer certain questions pertaining to realism, like how is she even able to think clear thoughts if she's seemingly never been exposed to language or where the energy comes from that makes her body move in the first place, but that's okay. This topic can be dealt with on a sophisticated philosophical level.
Consider existentialism, later to be countered by phenomenology. I'd be so looking forward to that. But you'll probably shy away from the work involved... :sweat:

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: April 12th, 2011, 10:24 am 
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University has been piling on me and I managed to squeeze some time off to draw samurai princess. Have been thinking of the structure of fictional Japan. So far I'm dividing it into a bunch of provinces named after the Sun, Wind, Rain, Moon and Thunder. The ruling families are said to have descended from gods of said stuff. The Sun family would be the royal family, with authority all over the others, but the other families rule their own territories with a fair amount of freedom. I could use the five Japanese elements as a base instead but it doesn't really matter ultimately.

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: April 17th, 2011, 8:36 am 
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Hoshino Hikari. A normal 13 year old girl. Maybe not so normal. The milk she drank has obviously affected her breasts and thighs more than her height to her chagrin. But besides that pretty normal. Okay, she has blonde hair and blue eyes and was found on a roadside as a baby by a random Japanese couple thus her racial identity remains a vague 'European or American or something'. But besides all that... pretty normal.

Until that fated day. The destined meeting with the spirit beast Orion. To fend off the attack by the Dark Stars, she made a contract with Orion to become the Star Warrior of Justice. Magical Twilight ~ Seraph Star ~

Tasked with defeating the Dark Stars, vile creatures who feed off the negative emotions of human beings and to purify them into Twinkle Stars using the power of her star magic. The power of the Twinkle Stars are then used to seal Negative Gates from which the Dark Stars emerge from.

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His first memory was being in a laboratory. Experimental Cybernetic Soldier 0 or ECS-0 was his name. Under their orders, he would eliminate targets one after another. There was nothing to it, just follow orders. It was his only purpose in life.

Until that fated day. The man he had murdered. The cries of his wife and daughter shook up something within him. It was wrong. His life, all he had been doing, all his orders. All wrong. As if he had awoken from a long slumber, he had grasped something called free will.

His sins were heavy but that did not deter him from his duty. His path was decided, the harsh road to redemption. To defeat the Evil Organization Zapper, the very organization that created him and continue to manipulate the world from the shadows. Whatever his life was before they made him what he was, or whether he was merely built from scratch mattered not.

Defeating Zapper now was his destiny. His destiny as a Warrior of Justice.

Exceed Metal - Ride Ranger.

===

It all began with a misunderstanding.

The girl about to finish off the Dark Star.

The man who thought a monster was about to finish off some crazy cosplayer and her toys.

Ride Ranger had annihilated the Dark Star with a Breaker Kick.

Seraph Star was left without a Twinkle Star to seal the Negative Gate.

This is their story. A story of magic, justice, sparkles, spirit and everything else in between.

This is --

Exceed Star ~ Ride On!! Twilight! ~

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Exceed Star ~ Ride On!! Twilight! ~ is a new story idea of mine involving a crossover between a magical girl(Sailormoon, CCS, etc) and a tokusatsu hero(Kamen Rider, Super Sentai). Meant to be filled with parodies left right center.

Seraph Star is a more contemporary take on the magical girl genre somewhat, but still utilizing the usual tropes. She is a young girl contracted by a cute mascot character to fight evil. But she wields a magical revolver rifle with an underslung magical grenade launcher and has a more crazy flight shoot assault sorta attacks akin the Nanoha series. So I guess conceptually she's as traditional as Sailor Moon but in terms of presentation and her attacks, she's more like Nanoha.

Her weapon is the Gemini. Composed up of a magical revolver rifle called Castor and the single shot grenade launcher Pollux. They fire a special magic crystal ammunition supplied by the Spirit Beast Orion. Orion is a creature from the Positive World, essentially a parallel world that has formed from the positive emotions of people. The Dark Stars conversely come from the Negative world. Due to the current nature of the world, there has been more negative emotions causing an unbalance to occur and the Dark Stars to emerge to wreak havoc. Orion and Seraph Star aim to maintain this balance and reduce the negativity of the world. To transform, she uses the Star Belt.

Her costume design has a star motif throughout. And also 3 pairs of wings, thus the Seraph in her name. I decided to place the wings in less conventional places, upper arm, thighs and behind her waist. Hard to see in the picture, she wears spurs on her wrists and heels, hence the cowboy boots. She'll have some melee attacks using them where the stars grow into giant energy stars. Her heel drop kick will be called something like Meteor Fall. Or maybe I'll name it Hale Bopp instead.

Ride Ranger is modeled mostly after Kamen Rider. His story is largely the same as the first Kamen Rider, a human who was abducted by an evil organization called Shocker and turned into the cyborg Hopper. After a hit job, he awakens from his brainwashing and realizes what has happened and decides to fight against Shocker as Kamen Rider. Ride Ranger is a cybernetic soldier created by the evil organization Zapper to do their dirty work, and after a certain hit job he gains a free will and decides to fight for justice.

Ride Ranger's name itself is a parody of those sorta heroes. Ride from Kamen Rider. Ranger from the Super Sentai line. Like those heroes, he will utilize a series of special named moves. So far I have Blast Knuckle and Breaker Kick. And enemies he defeats with those moves will be completely annihilated in a mysterious explosion.

For the suit design, I have referred to a bicycle helmet and those extreme sports flak jackets. His suit is quite armoured giving him a look more like the Metal Heroes or the newer Kamen Riders.

Like the heroes he was based off, he as a transformation sequence and utilizes a belt. The joke is though, when untransformed he is perpetually wearing his scarf and a plastic kid's mask modeled after his helmet. And also the fact he never ever rides anything(Kamen Riders tend to ride bikes) into or in battle. Which makes his name a bit contradictory. Untransformed, he leads a normal life as a teacher in a middle school. Yes, Seraph Star's middle school. And he's her homeroom teacher. And goes by the name Jiro Yamada. Seraph Star is the only one who thinks he is Ride Ranger and nobody else seems to be able to make the connection, thinking his mask and scarf are perfectly normal. Thus playing out the thinly veiled disguises trope. Although the joke is that Seraph Star is the one with the weakest disguise as only her outfit is changed. Yet she's the one poking at Ride Ranger's disguise which would be perfect if not for his quirks and as long as he didn't transform in front of people since post transformation he has a goddamn helmet on.


So the story starts essentially when Ride Ranger pursues Zapper's operations to the town where Seraph Star works. Thinking one of the Dark Stars are Zapper's new creation, he annihilates it with a Breaker Kick leaving Seraph Star lost for words. A Negative Gate remains open for more Dark Stars to emerge from. And then an untimely attack by Zapper's minions shake things up!

After a rocky start, the two decide to join forces. Or rather make sure they don't get in each other's way. But of course the organization Zapper has their own plans regarding the Negative Gates and the Dark Stars and only with the combined powers of Ride Ranger and Seraph Star can justice prevail.

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Updated Design Sheet.
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Schoolgirl version.

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Now to write a bizarro piece involving scissors and chess pieces. Man I really should work on perspective.

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: April 19th, 2011, 12:48 pm 
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Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Exceed Star ~ Ride On!! Twilight! ~

What shall I say? I smell some Madoka Magica in there. :P2:
But overall your descriptions meet what I would deem well possible in terms of Mahô Shôjo and Hero show parodies, and since it's all purely fictional it's completely up to you what's real and what's not, so I cannot judge realism well.

Well, if it wasn't for that gun you drew.
You might know that you press a rifle's stock against your shoulder (that's why it's called shoulder stock if I'm not mistaken), but the thing that you drew wouldn't be well to handle since the stock... I wouldn't know where to put that!
If you put it against the shoulder the barrel will be too high to take aim the usual way.
If you take aim the way it is normally done you'd have to compensate the recoil shock I dunno with what.
In that detail the lower picture is slightly different from the upper picture by the way.

Last but not least, where is HIS character design outline "in casual clothes"?

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: April 20th, 2011, 3:56 pm 
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Ride Ranger redesign. His concept changed a fair bit and he ended up more like some badass android. Now I'm thinking he doesn't even have a human form or proper henshin sequence at all. As shown, in daily life he simply sticks a sketch of a random face on his face and wears a tie. When he transforms, he presses about his belt which results in flashy lights and the sketch and tie disappearing in the process. And everybody is fooled by this literally paper thin disguise except the heroine.

For his attack gimmicks, I'm thinking the longer he fights the higher his body temperature rises. Eventually he catches ablaze which allows him to perform his ultimate move, JUSTICE CRASH. Simply enveloped in fire, he leaps into the air and smashes through an opponent, leaving his fire behind in his opponent causing the typical explode into oblivion of target.

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Attempted redesign of Seraph Star. Tried to make it more Precure-ish. Don't like the result. Gave her gun a typical assault rifle stock. About the previous stock, I have seen like revolvers converted into rifles and pistols with added stocks in that position. Although I am clueless on just how one uses such a stock. And I'm probably not drawing it quite right either way.

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Samurai Princess redesign.

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: April 23rd, 2011, 1:50 pm 
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Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Now I'm thinking he doesn't even have a human form or proper henshin sequence at all. As shown, in daily life he simply sticks a sketch of a random face on his face and wears a tie.

In fact I like the idea. It has a Pani Poni Dash kinda humor to it.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Attempted redesign of Seraph Star. Tried to make it more Precure-ish.

Inhowfar is it supposed to be "precure-ish"?

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: May 1st, 2011, 11:16 am 
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I need to sort out a good core design for Seraph Star. As for how Precure-ish it should be... as long as its obviously a magical girl I guess? Either way the attempt was to make it more girly and flashy. Been hammering at it but getting nowhere. I think I'll give it a break for the moment until inspiration happens.

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Schoolgirls and wavy hair. A character for a relationship drama thing I wanna do involving a dude with anger management issues and a girl who treats dating guys like achievements in games. The story starts with the guy throwing his chair through a window in the middle of class.

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: May 4th, 2011, 7:18 am 
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Storm_Shinobi wrote:
a dude with anger management issues and a girl who treats dating guys like achievements in games. The story starts with the guy throwing his chair through a window in the middle of class.

You could go left: "I hate the system!"
You could go right: "There was a spider on the window sill!"
I would clearly prefer the earnest/serious approach. Increasing aggression is an important topic nowadays.
Despite the impression that the yellow press gives the number of crimes (in Germany at least) is actually decreasing, but acts of random, unmotivated violence with property being damaged and/or people being injured are increasing.

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: May 5th, 2011, 10:35 am 
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Tried writing it out. Kinda inspired by my own experiences, except I've taken things to new heights here.

Probably gonna end up as a teenage drama of some sort. I've been also thinking that no names will ever be mentioned in the story, thus the protagonists will simply be 'Him' and 'Her'.

Thus the current tentative title. His Day, Her Day.

Not sure if I really want to write a teenage drama though! Decided to give it a shot in any case.
===


There had to be a mistake. It all didn't add up. All his actions up till now, all the time he dealt with those numbers. Those god-damned numbers. The friends he could have made, the social life he could have had, all the time he could have spent sleeping 3 more hours per day had accumulated to a mere 77% scribbled in red ink.

Thus the boy started to think. Just how had he spent his time up till now? Why was the 77% so upsetting?

He began to relive the blur known as his daily routine. Everyday, rush back home. Finish homework as fast as possible. Read textbooks. Do revision exercises. Nothing else mattered, nobody else mattered. Just work, work, work and more work.

Then pause. He began to reason things out. 77% is a decent mark all things considered. He probably ranked in the upper half of his class, possibly the upper quarter. Plus he highest he had ever scored in middle school was 68%. Most students with that mark would go home and probably be told something like “It's okay but you can do better.” No allowances will be increased or decreased, nobody will be particularly be that upset over anything and life will go on as usual.

Pause again.

That won't happen for him. He began to think of that middle aged guy who comes home late at night, eats a cold dinner by himself while reading the newspapers. That noisy person. Noisy, noisy noisy, noisy, noisy. Ear blisteringly noisy. Every time he opened his mouth, an endless ear blistering spiel that sounded like a mix of fingernails and chalkboard in a blender. Ah that's right. Dad.

It was always something about that excellent somebody. That person that just happened to have been born from the same womb earlier than he. That person and his pesky marks in the 90s. That person who happens to be in some other country pursuing some academically superior lifestyle. Now what was that term again? Oh right, a brother.

The endless comparisons. Day after day, at best an hour. At worst the whole evening. The only solace was when he comes home after he had fallen asleep.

That was why he slaved away when high school started. He had enough. He had to make him shut up somehow. And he had succeeded, showing that old man just how hard working he could be. A semester of relative silence. But at what cost?

Drowning in text and numbers every night. Getting his mind washed over with torrents of information, all with questionable long term importance. Alienating most people in his class. Missing out all those pleasures in life. Setting aside a love life, his social life is now shambles.

On top of all that, the silence will no longer be there. That old fart will open his mouth again. His eardrums will begin to undergo various stress tests again. First something about results being all that matter. Then there will be something about his older sibling, or somebody's kid that he never knew. Then it will progress to not being a fitting son to a hospital director. His worth as a human being will come into question. Then it will repeat all over again.

So this was the result. All that time he spent, all those suppressed desires and all that mental stress and sleep deprivation he put himself through. And it will still be noisy. That old man will open his mouth again. All that comes out will be noise, noise, noise and more noise. In fact, he found it pretty noisy right about now.

Reality came knocking again. The papers on his desk, glaringly white with sunlight from the window. That 77% scrawled in red ink at the top right corner. Now all that classroom chatter was beginning to sound like a certain old man. Something about marks being compared. Comparisons, comparisons, comparisons, comparisons, comparisons. His head began to throb. His ears began to ring. Then it all went away with a single thought.

“Nothing matters any more.”

And with that, he got up while gripping the two legs of his desk and flung it straight through the window.

===

At the end of this, haven't quite gotten a good feel for it.

Thinking of busting through a few more concepts here and there, maybe write a bit on my knight story I mentioned a while back. Hopefully by November, I'll be prepared for NaNoWriMo. And by then have enough incentive to really churn it out. Could always fall back on Jewel of the Stars though.

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: May 5th, 2011, 5:25 pm 
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Storm_Shinobi wrote:
His Day, Her Day.

Overall, your text sample sounds a bit "laden" to me, a bit too much pathos, but what I particularly liked about it was the way you introduced father and brother. Brilliantly worded to express alienation.

A minor question would be why the setting needs to be Japanese?

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
Not sure if I really want to write a teenage drama though! Decided to give it a shot in any case.

In that case, be prepared to go into detailed character and motivation studies.
Academic papers and experience reports should be available on the topic.

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: May 6th, 2011, 9:07 am 
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The setting doesn't really need to be Japanese. Even though I did give a Japanese name to the image file name for the female heroine and the uniform is what you'd associate with the Japanese. And I definitely was thinking of a Japanese setting.

I'm hoping to write it in such a way that it could be any two kids, anywhere in the world. And with the whole avoiding name things, I could perhaps pull it off. I'd have to avoid culture specific school events I suppose. My school did have its equivalent of a school festival and sports festival(simply called Mufti Day and Sports Day) though. I guess I should go looking around to see how it is in other places.

Maybe I'll try a first person version, it probably flows better that way since its mostly about inner thoughts and stuff.

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 Post subject: Re: Storm Shinobi's STUFFs
PostPosted: May 12th, 2011, 12:02 pm 
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Storm_Shinobi wrote:
The setting doesn't really need to be Japanese. Even though I did give a Japanese name to the image file name for the female heroine and the uniform is what you'd associate with the Japanese.

It wasn't even that. Japan and Korea are the only countries I know so far where your grade consists of a percentage count on your exam sheet, but this kind of grading might be more spread in Asia than in Europe or the Americas from where I don't know any such example.

Storm_Shinobi wrote:
My school did have its equivalent of a school festival and sports festival(simply called Mufti Day and Sports Day) though.

Isn't a Mufti a Sunni Islamic scholar or priest?

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