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 Post subject: The FUNNY Thread
PostPosted: June 3rd, 2007, 8:20 am 
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This is a thread for jokes and funny stuff in written form or pictures.

Written form would be like this:

"Communication within the forces is difficult because the different branches speak different languages.
If you give orders to secure a building, the Navy will switch off the lights and lock the doors.
The Army will occupy an empty building and defend it against hostiles.
The Marine Corps will target any building and take it at all cost.
The Air Force will lease the building and secure a purchase option."


Picture form could be like this:

Image

You'll might have to decide now and then whether a picture is for this thread or "Your pictures" thread, but just do what you think is right. The purpose is entertainment, life's hard enough already... :wink:

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PostPosted: June 3rd, 2007, 12:34 pm 
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Hehe I i like this thread already, thus I shall donate enjoy.

The Guys' Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally! the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules"From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1.Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done, Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear
. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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PostPosted: June 9th, 2007, 10:58 pm 
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 Post subject:
PostPosted: June 10th, 2007, 9:00 am 
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ddc wrote:
(The Doug pic)

Nice... I always liked "Doug" - before Disney took over... I guess the picture is a hint at that, given the different Patty-Designs.

And... the monkey pic is great as well... "LIES!!" :lol:


Here I have a screenshot from a Japanese TV-show.
The guy in the picture is a soccer ball specialist who can do all kinds of tricks.
What he displays in the picture is a so-called "sitting performance", but since ther is no "si" syllable in the Japanese language, it reads more like: Shitting Performance
(Of course, there is no "ti" syllable either, so it actually reads "shitchingu" performance... still I liked the shitting idea. 8) )

Oh, and here's a picture for "Scrubs" fans:
The Dirty Days

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: June 10th, 2007, 11:52 am 
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Here's some more from me.

To all women out there here is a copy of a diet/
Oh and I pitty you.
This is your diet with comantary by some stupid guy.
Day 1
Breakfast
6 oz. tomato juice, (Gross)
1/2 cup of liquid egg substitute, scrambled,( double Gross)
2 slices grilled Canadian Bacon
1 cup decaf coffee/ tea with sugar subsitute
Snack 1
Turkey Roll-Up: place 1(1-oz.) slice roasted turkey breast on lettuce leaf. Add 2 tsp. low fat mayonnaise and sliced re bell pepper and scallion to tase, rol and serve. (or toss into garbage after quick trip to toliet.)
Lunch
South ebach Tuna Salad: combine 1 cup chopped romaine lettuce and 1/ cup each cucumber, tomato, avocado, celery and radishes. Add 6 oz. water packed tuna; tp with 1 tbs. lime juice, 2 clover minced garlic and black pepper and to taste 1/2 cup sugar-free gelatin. (hope the garbage can doesn't get sick, I think I did just reading this.)
Snack 2
1Stalk celery stuffed with i wedge lite cheese, such as Laughing Cow. (Laughing Cow what is this a bad Kung Fu Movie scipt or some Native Amican's Revenge or something?)
Dinner
4 oz. boneless, skinless chicken breats baked in ITALIAN-STYLE ROASTED PEPPERS: slice 1 each red bell pepper, green bell pepper and small onion. Place in baking dish. Drizzle with 2 tsp. balsamic vinegar. add 1 tbs.toasted pine nuts and 1 tbs. fresh basil. 2 cups tossed salad with 2 tbs. low sugar prepared dressing such as Seven Islands fat-free vinaigrette. (Finally a meal that sounds half way eatable, sorry trash can no dinner for you.)
Day 2
Breakfast
6 oz. vegetable juice cocktail. ( Finally a stiff drink oh wait that would be in a guy's diet.)
1 poached egg served over unlimited spinach sueteed in olive oil (And I thought spinach couldn't be made more diestgusting, trash can you ready for breakfast.)
1 cup decaf coffee/tea with sugar substitiute. (Glad I get eggs in the morning, with baccon, very glad.)
Snack 1
1 (1-oz.) part-skin mozerella cheese stick. (Finall a really snack, stick of celery? What a rip!)
Lunch
3 oz. sliced, grilled chicken breast, served with 2 cups romaine lettuce, 1/2 cup chickory (Wait chick!? As in one fine good looking woman!? I change my mind I like this diet were can I sign up . . . . oh wait read it wrong, damn it.) and sliced tomato; top with 3 green olives and 2 tbs. low sugar prepared dressing 1/2 cup sugar free gelatin. (I hope the trash can has recovered from breakfast and here it started off nice.)
Snack 2
1 Stalk celert stuffed with 2 tbs. lite creaam cheese. (Another good meal for the trash. hope it had room.)
Dinner
4 oz. grilled salmon, bushed with 1 tsp. sesome oil and sprinkled with 2 tsp. roasted sesame seeds. (Yum I could say it but I won't, ok I will who the hell wrote this a gay, no more then likely a stoned idiot claiming to be a prophet?) 2 cups steamed asparagus tips. splashed with 1 tsp. lite soy sauce. 2 cups tossed salad with 2 tbs. low-sugar prepared dressing. (Yeah, I guees the trash can will be having dinner after all.)
Snack 3
Vanilla Ricotta Cre`me: combine 1/2 cup part- skim ricotta cheese. 1/4 tsp. vanila extract and 1 packet sugar subistute. Chill. (I wonder if that trash can is full yet?)
Day 3 (if you live that long)
Breakfast
6 oz. spicy hot vegetable juice (rather have a beer has the same effect, I think, do I think?)
Easy Asparagus & Mushroom Omlet: steam 3 stalks asparagus until tender. in bowl mix 1 egg, 2 egg white and 2 tbs. water. in skillet coasted with sooking spray, cook egg mixture (of death and vomitation) until set; fill half omlet with asparagus, 1/4 cup sliced whie mushrooms and 1/4 cup low-fat mozzarella cheese. Fold omelet in half. (Accidently throw in garbage, cuss out your butter fingers.)
Snack 1 (Need food starving)
1 stalk celery stuffed with 1 wedge low-fat cheese (I hear 1 stalk of celerty for a snack again I'm going on a witch hunt.)
Lunch (That lether shoe is starting too look really good.)
Crab Covv Salad: arrange 4 cups romaine lettuce, torn into bite-size pieces (Know what I liked to tar into bit-size piece and we're not taking food here.) on a chilled plate. Top with 3 oz. canned crab meat, drained; 1 cup cherry tomatoes, halzed; 2 tbs crumbled blue cheese; (for the love of god make it stop!!) 1 tbs. cholesterol-free bacon bites (only bites now even my diets cheating on me!) and 2 tbs. prpared low-sugar gelatin. (Another meal for the trash can.)
Snack 2
2 (1/2 oz.) slices low-fat mozzarella cheese with 4 slices tomato and 8 fresh basil leaves; top with 1 tps. each balsamic vinegar and extar virgin (a virgin where!? oh wait there talking about the olive oil, damn it.) olive oil
Dinner (Hum that shoe acttuall wasn't half bad, it was all bad, ok so where's it brother?)
6 oz. beef tenderlion or top round steak, brushed ( Wait hold it I'll take my steak now before you can make me sick again, seriously I think my toilets going to devorce me.) with 2 tsp. lite teriyki sauce, grilled or broiled 1 cup steamed broccoli. Surprise South beach "Mashed Patatoes" (Great now there after my patatoes too will the madness never end!?) Steam 1 cup cauliflower florets until soft. Pure`e in food processor, adding squirt of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter (yeah and I can't believe they call this mashed patatoes.) spray and 2 tsp. fat-free half-and-half Season with 1/8 tsp. each salt and pepper. 2 cups tossed salad with 2 tbs. ow sugar prepared dressing. (No you stupid trash can you can have the rest of my dinner but you can't have my steak. *Smack!! sounds of abused trash can, happy man*)
Snak 3
Lime_Zest Ricotta Cre`me: combine 1/2 cup part-skim ricotta cheese, 1/2tsp grted lime zest, 1/4 tsp. vanilla extract and 1 packet sugar substitute, chill. (Chill! Chill!!! I tell you what I'm going to chill is that stoned fool that wrote this diet! hey wait what do you know I'm skinny I guess this diet really does work, [not diet starvation])
Well I have only one thing to say in closing you women willing go one these diets and you call us men stupid and brave.
PS. Now then now here's a man's diet if you still want to diet.
Breakfast
4 eggs scrappled
7 pieces of bacon
as much hashbrowns as can fit in pan
5 cups of strong coffe
1 bottle of beer
Snack
anything that's in frig or near by plates.
1 cold beer
Lunch
as much soup as you can eat, meaning Chili note make sure area is clear and haz mat squard has been altered.
2 cold bottle of beer
Snack
Anything in frigurater
2 cold beers
Dinner
plate full of potatoes
plate full of corn on cob.
1 steak and large as plate and as thick as possible
3 cold beers
5 viegra
lots of coffe
Now that's a diet you can live by. Yes this is why all men are over weight by fifty.
Epelouge with stupid man
It's not fair and here I thought only my wife and dog could leave me. Oh well that trash can sure was fine.

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PostPosted: June 13th, 2007, 2:48 pm 
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The Adict, uh, you could make your posts more enjoyable if you actually used paragraphs. Like this it's a bit strenuous.
And... I seem to remember some guy here BRS who was quite "fond of" telling jokes about women also, but I forgot his username.

Here's a pic the text of which I translated from German.
It's from a site called www.nicht-lustig.de (which literally means "not-funny").
That guy shows some interesting humor:

Dalmatians

And here's a classic one from the Kevin & Kell series that I love so much:

Aaron with long ears

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PostPosted: June 19th, 2007, 7:43 am 
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A story I heard from an acquaintance:
As he was walking through the town returning from the postbox, a stranger stepped up to him and said something like:
"Ixcuse me Sirr, but... do you speak English?" (in a southern-US-like pronunciation).
"Oh yes, indeed I do", said my acquaintance, "but I understand American as well."
The tourist looked at him quite puzzled...

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PostPosted: June 19th, 2007, 11:17 am 
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I would us pics but I'm a crappy drawer. So I'll have to keep with writing sorry. Also are you implying I'm a sexist? In any case heres another joke.

A man gets a flat tire on the highway. he then gets arrested for stopping ons the highway. Then he gets fired for being late and getting arrested. His wife then leaves him for his bets friend. Then he looses his house and car for being unable to make the dew payments. Then his dog runs away and get hit by a car. All in one day. That night he's sitting at the bar with his dad and he raises his glass and says. "A note no matter how bad life gets, there is always beer."

That sounded better when I speak it.

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PostPosted: June 19th, 2007, 12:16 pm 
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The Adict wrote:
are you implying I'm a sexist?

I'm implying you are latently sexist. 8)

The Adict wrote:
"A note no matter how bad life gets, there is always beer."

Interesting story, but it sounds like a Lager or Budweiser commercial to me... or something Homer Simpson would say... :lol:

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PostPosted: June 21st, 2007, 7:49 am 
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Heh 42317 you could be right on both counts I heard that joke on the radio. As for being a latent sexist could be right, I live with only women related to me by blood, so womanity, so to speak, really holds no mystery to me and certently no luster.

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PostPosted: June 24th, 2007, 8:18 am 
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Q: What's the greatest entertainment for a corpus linguist?

A: A Concordancer!



Not funny? 8)
Look at Collins Cobuild Introduction for some explanation and become an insider.


You may post your own stuff by the way... :D

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PostPosted: July 1st, 2007, 6:53 am 
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anything by bill bailey is hilarious. also, Weebl and Bob! and as a 40K player, 42317, i really like that hello kitty thing :D
http://youtube.com/watch?v=o1liIap1G68
SCRUBS!


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PostPosted: July 1st, 2007, 11:36 am 
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http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ygNkuJt-JSo

old british double act :)

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 Post subject: Re: The FUNNY Thread
PostPosted: July 2nd, 2007, 9:52 am 
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Quote:
This is a thread for jokes and funny stuff in written form or pictures.

Let me remind you guys that we have a YouTube Thread for videos. 8)

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 Post subject: Re: The FUNNY Thread
PostPosted: July 2nd, 2007, 10:51 am 
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42317 wrote:
Quote:
This is a thread for jokes and funny stuff in written form or pictures.

Let me remind you guys that we have a YouTube Thread for videos. 8)


i'll use it next time then ^^

page i recently found

http://www.globalguardians.com/eviloverlordwiki.html

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