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 Post subject: wit's end
PostPosted: March 10th, 2008, 3:36 am 
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so i fell in love with a friend. it really messes things up. anybody have this happen to them?
trying to move on...


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PostPosted: March 10th, 2008, 5:03 pm 
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Hm, this must trouble you a lot, and you have my full understanding.
Happened to me as well and proved fatal - in terms of the personal relation in the widest sense. Of course you don't want to hear such bad experiences, but remember that each case is individual and you might be lucky.

Love is a bit like dog pooh. Sometimes you can see it coming and prepare accordingly, and sometimes you just step into it. :wink:

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PostPosted: March 10th, 2008, 8:07 pm 
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Actually, I'm in a very similar situation, but it would feel awkward if I tried anything, I'm hoping that it's just something that will fade away quickly... but I do wonder If it'd work, in any case, don't really have any advice on the matter. :(

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PostPosted: March 10th, 2008, 10:51 pm 
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42317 wrote:
Love is a bit like dog pooh. Sometimes you can see it coming and prepare accordingly, and sometimes you just step into it. :wink:
interestingly enough i saw it coming. and after months of preparation i stepped right into it. haha... sigh.

wolfwood wrote:
Actually, I'm in a very similar situation, but it would feel awkward if I tried anything, I'm hoping that it's just something that will fade away quickly... but I do wonder If it'd work, in any case, don't really have any advice on the matter. :(
it was awkward for me because i had to distance myself from her. i could not act normal around her. the last time i was with her it was like i was densha otoko, spilling her drink at the table, and almost side swiping another car... i could not even talk to her normally. it was hilariously sad!

i too was hoping that it would fade away. yet as the months went by, it became increasingly worse.


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PostPosted: March 10th, 2008, 11:27 pm 
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Have you considered the possibility that she loves you back? Tried to find out somehow?

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PostPosted: March 11th, 2008, 12:15 am 
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it is unrequited love. she has a boyfriend. we discussed our friendship early on when i told her that i had a crush on her. we agreed on keeping the relationship respectful.

besides, she said that i could never be with a girl who would dump their boyfriend for someone else. she was right.


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PostPosted: March 11th, 2008, 3:40 am 
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hmmm....

damn.......

Allright, are you positive that it's love and not infatuation? I mean, it is easy to mix the two up.

If it's infatuation, then time is the only medicene you need, but if it's love....well I wouldn't know, I think fell in love once, but she went back to Russia before we even got to know each other very well.Back to your problem, there is no quick fix either way. I mean crushes can last for years, and love even longer.

Try and answer these questions so we can see the extent of your problem. (NOTE: THESE ARE ALL OPTIONAL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THEM IF YOU DON'T WANT TO)

1. How often do you think about her when you are away from her? (answer in # of occurences, or length of time in one day)

2. When you think of her, do you focus on certain qualities? If so, what are these qualities?

3. How long have you known her?

4. How often do you come into close contact (f.e. being in same room) during a typical week? How often do you communicate with her when you are not together during the week (specify in # of occurences)?

5. Is she better looking than most of your peers?

6. What type of activities do you engage in when you two are together?

7. You mentioned being nervous and clumsy around her, are there any difficulties in communication, and if so, what are they, and when do they tend to happen?

8. What are your feelings about her boyfriend? Would you say they are mostly positive or negative?

These questions may shed some more light on the situation.

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PostPosted: March 11th, 2008, 4:41 am 
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It's hard and I don't usually post in this kind of stuff but 42317 comment on "it's like dog's pooh" made me remind me of the most perfect definition of "Love" and Passion", and what love is, both from the same font: "Ef ~ a tale of memories"

Passion is like going downhill. It starts suddenly, it's thrilling and fast but you suddenly hit a stop. Love is like going uphill. It's hard and you have to work the obstacles but in the end it's totally worth it

And on what is love, which is the point of my post: Love is something you feel, that when you realize it, it's too late to go back.

My first grown up love was a college "friend", when I started realizing I loved her I got closer, improved on my friendship with her, became friend with ALL her friends, managed to tag on her group ... one year later I was known as the best friend of the group (sure I was, I kept trying to arrange meetings with everybody and fun stuff to do ... you all know why, but they didn't =p) but she was just one of them, a friend. Finally I decided to talk to her (she also had a bf) and we agreed on just friends.

Sucks but after that things start to feel ackward and go downhill, since ANYTHING I did for her, even on spite of friendship, felt like it was because I liked her. The end of the story was ... friend LOST.

So I would actually agree on "try to keep your distance". If you try to keep close, more likelly you will ruin what you already have.

My luck is that the OPOSITE happened to me, and I actually liked the girl too (she was one of the forementioned's friends), so we just got closer and closer, more than friends, and when I decided to confess, people was like "FINALLY!", and going from friends to bf/gf was so natural it was like nothing changed (we were already holding hands before, she once slept on my lap and drawled on my shirt while we watched a movie, so cute xD), except we could be more intimate :roll: ... and now she is my wife for 8 years :lol: (and she still drawls when she sleep >.>)

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PostPosted: March 11th, 2008, 5:36 am 
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^ nice post caiobrz, thanks.

interesting. i will bite.

Cab329 wrote:
Allright, are you positive that it's love and not infatuation? I mean, it is easy to mix the two up.
i was infatuated with her at first. i told her and decided to break all contact with her. after a month she wanted to work things out. we worked it out and things were fine for half a year. then i fell for her. i did it again, broke off all contact. when i met up with her again months later i told her i still feel the same. so she ended the friendship. it does not really matter what i call it. it was interfering.

Quote:
1. How often do you think about her when you are away from her? (answer in # of occurences, or length of time in one day)
i could not answer as it varies. things remind me of her. just like many things remind me of certain people. a song, an object, etc...

Quote:
2. When you think of her, do you focus on certain qualities? If so, what are these qualities?
i do not focus on anything in particular. i just feel so comfortable with her, she makes me laugh, and i feel like we are childhood friends even though i have only known her for such a short time.

Quote:
3. How long have you known her?
2 years.

Quote:
4. How often do you come into close contact (f.e. being in same room) during a typical week? How often do you communicate with her when you are not together during the week (specify in # of occurences)?
maybe once a month on average. communicated maybe twice a month. though it would increase in numbers (would become daily) leading to a break.

Quote:
5. Is she better looking than most of your peers?
an outsider would say she is the same. i would put her above average of course...

Quote:
6. What type of activities do you engage in when you two are together?
usual friend stuff, outdoor activities, social dinners and concerts.

Quote:
7. You mentioned being nervous and clumsy around her, are there any difficulties in communication, and if so, what are they, and when do they tend to happen?
yeah, when i crushed on her i had to distance myself from her. it was all awkward. normally i am quite close to my friends but i had to watch myself around her.

Quote:
8. What are your feelings about her boyfriend? Would you say they are mostly positive or negative?
i actually never met her boyfriend. he must be a wonderful guy to have her. at one time i was actually jealous of him, that was when i realized that i have to stop seeing her.

EDIT:
Caiobrz wrote:
So I would actually agree on "try to keep your distance". If you try to keep close, more likelly you will ruin what you already have.
i kept my distance and ruined what i had. she wondered what it would have been like if i just not mention anything to her, but it would not be me. i always tell friends what i think.


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PostPosted: March 11th, 2008, 2:10 pm 
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Caiobrz wrote:
she once slept on my lap and drawled on my shirt while we watched a movie, so cute, (...) and now she is my wife for 8 years (and she still drawls when she sleep)

Yay for you! :wink:
I wish I could feel love like that again.

Does your wife know what stories you tell here? :lol:

Cab329 wrote:
5. Is she better looking than most of your peers?

What kinda question is that? A person that you love will always look better, at least to a degree, than her social environment - for you.

Being a realist swine I have little concerns that someone might take my girlfriend away so soon.


Did I just really say that??? :oops: :lol:

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PostPosted: March 11th, 2008, 3:54 pm 
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Caiobrz wrote:
Sucks but after that things start to feel ackward and go downhill, since ANYTHING I did for her, even on spite of friendship, felt like it was because I liked her. The end of the story was ... friend LOST.
we both had the same results, though my awkwardness was more of feeling like i am overstepping my boundaries even though my actions are normal. i would never instigate anything anymore. i am sure she noticed that i was holding back, she told me that we could not be friends if i hold back. so i had a dilemma.

42317 wrote:
What kinda question is that? A person that you love will always look better, at least to a degree, than her social environment - for you.
i kind of understand what he is driving at. whether it is just pure lust.

42317 wrote:
Being a realist swine I have little concerns that someone might take my girlfriend away so soon.
being confident is being a realist swine? interesting.


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PostPosted: March 11th, 2008, 4:14 pm 
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dbd_addict wrote:
42317 wrote:
Being a realist swine I have little concerns that someone might take my girlfriend away so soon.
being confident is being a realist swine? interesting.

You have a different approach interpreting what I said than I have. 8)

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PostPosted: March 11th, 2008, 4:24 pm 
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haha. yeah, i am known to see/hear things very differently. sometimes to a fault.

so swinging the other way means that you are lucky that she loves you and finds you attractive so as to not wander... ;)


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PostPosted: March 12th, 2008, 3:29 am 
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dbd_addict wrote:
Caiobrz wrote:
So I would actually agree on "try to keep your distance". If you try to keep close, more likelly you will ruin what you already have.
i kept my distance and ruined what i had. she wondered what it would have been like if i just not mention anything to her, but it would not be me. i always tell friends what i think.


What would it be like if you did not talk to her? one word: hell. Keep close to someone you love and not let it out? you would eventually burst and explode. Seriously, it's hard to tell and the consequences are usually not for the best, but if you think on the longer run, it's for the best ...

42317 wrote:
Does your wife know what stories you tell here? Laughing


Not that the drawling story is too bad ... but no (refer hentai forum LOL)

dbd_addict wrote:
i am sure she noticed that i was holding back, she told me that we could not be friends if i hold back. so i had a dilemma.


She seams a nice person, but she also seams to be unable to think outside the box and figure what YOU feel, that's why she thought it would be a good idea (no no no no) to not hold back. Can you imagine the hell? you still getting closer and trying (but deep inside knowing it was a total failure) to get along, feeling life is crap and, to make things better (sarcasm warning) see her with her b/f, which is prety much a big knife slicing your heart in little pieces? I still think holding back and letting the friendship self-sustain (or fail) is better than be subject to eternal damnation xD

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: March 12th, 2008, 4:56 am 
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True love grows from friendship. It's not unnatural to be friends with someone before you develop love for that person. True love, that is, agape, after all is not just a feeling, not just an emotion, it's something that must be given willingly from one person to another. Love is not felt, it is given.

So I don't think the friendship aspect of it is any issue. The fact that she is already in a serious relationship (I assume it's serious?) is the major issue at hand. To that account, there's not much that I or anyone else on a forum can really say about this matter. If you truly love her then you would desire her happiness over your own. That's all I really have to say.

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